Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
You Might Also Like
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things