Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
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My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
Guilty! 🤪
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
rise and shine we got egg
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside