Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
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Money is the root of all wealth
Not all heroes wear capes….
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12