damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
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Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
Extremely relatable.
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
*power walks to the refrigerator*