@Whitnuts: Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick

@davedittell: the doctors gnash their teeth and howl through the night, but they dare not breach the lines of my apple orchard

@TEXASVETERAN: Co-worker: Why did you hit me with your chair?! Me: Because my desk is too heavy.

@Adar79Angie: You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.

@VerifiedDrunk: If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that's practically the same thing.