“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
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wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
is there nothing we can trust anymore
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting