Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
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The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
2023 was just a warmup
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”