Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
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Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
this is uni
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
Great acting.. 😂
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?