@SergioValenCo: Damn girl, are you my Bachelor's degree because you wasted my time and now I hate you.
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@ForeverHairy: Me: Who wants to go out to dinner and scream and cry and make daddy wish he wore more condoms? Kids: WE DO! YAY!
@NoogsCorner: After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
@Hobo_Splendido: Sorry, there's a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they're not funny.
@ieatanddrink: "I deleted that tweet because I've really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it's just not up to my current standards"