I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
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“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”