Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
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Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door