Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
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I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?