RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
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Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
Oh yeah that’s it
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
you gotta be faster
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!