Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
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Is fake venison called venisn’t
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
they finally got him. they got macavity