@TheDailySchmuck: Damn, girl, are you Terms and Conditions? Because I just want to blindly agree to whatever you say.
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@jabba_jabba_jaw: Me: But God, where did the second set of footprints go? God: That's when you were dating that psycho. I wasn't sticking around for that.
@mattZillaaaa: My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
@Sophie2078: Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over? Him: No, I'm sorry. I'm contemplating the meaning of life. Me: I'm naked and alone 😏 Him: We all are...