People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
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*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
How to draw a duck
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.