i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
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Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument