Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
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I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.