@illTortuga: Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
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@VanGobot: WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening? GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns ME: I cannoli assume she means you
@junejuly12: “Settle in, get comfy, hope your phone is fully charged and you have snacks” Translated from “be with you shortly”
@theshamingofjay: Growing a beard comes from laziness. If you ladies think that's sexy I have some laundry on my bedroom floor that'll turn you on.
@Audenary: DAD: Think an earthquake's coming. MOM: Check Rocky; dogs always know. DOG *analysing seismic data*: I anticipate magnitudes of 6 or more.