Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
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I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.