I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
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Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*