*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
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the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs