I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
You Might Also Like
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten