Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
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The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]