Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
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When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…