@johnbiehl: Damn girl, if you was a fruit you'd be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
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@FatherofTweet: Wife: "The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie." Husband: "Which is this?"
@theshamingofjay: Life Goals Me at 14 - get a girl to like me, figure out how to have sex Me at 34 - get a girl to like me, figure out how to have sex
@topaz_kell: When I treat people the way I want to be treated, they get weirded out when I start brushing their hair.
@GrantTanaka: Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that's why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan