Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
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i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it