My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
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my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.