“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
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My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
Every work call, he judges.
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?