“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
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Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.