Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
You Might Also Like
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.