Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
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My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
FINE, I WON’T.
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.