Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
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4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
🙂🙃🥹
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.