son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
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[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.