ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
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*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
Labreador
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
Steam Forums
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos