vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
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A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
nothing saves money like being antisocial
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life