Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
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911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter