Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
You Might Also Like
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
Stop sending me this shit.
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!