How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
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My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.