“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
You Might Also Like
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
In space, no one can hear…
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.