Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
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I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
#growingpains
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.