@Lunatic_times: Damn you bladder stop releasing my precious beer.
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@Jay_FrickinLynn: Jesus: Give them fingernails in case they start itching. God: Alright, but wouldn't it be funny if they couldn't reach their backs?
@LostCatDog: Waiter: Hi! Our special today is macaroni or cheese! Me: Wait - did you say 'or' cheese? Waiter: *lifts shirt, reveals gun* Look, I'm a cop
@3sunzzz: I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.