Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
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Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?