[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
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[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
Who does Amazon think I am?
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.