Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
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*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
not seeing the problem
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
The best plant holders?
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.