Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
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HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
new year update: losing everything but weight
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big