@KenJennings: Dance like no one is threatening to call the police if you don't take your boombox and leave the Christian Science Reading Room immediately.
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@DaveWeasel: The words 'selfie' and 'twerk' have been added to the dictionary this year while 'charm' and 'dignity' have been removed.
@DaHess1: My wife and I do this cute thing where she sends me pics of kitchen towels she can't decide on buying and I google my life expectancy.
@StillJessLS: Damn you Jehovah's, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I'll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We'll see who converts who
@iwearaonesie: wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this me: Tastes like hand sanitizer wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer? me: Yeah wife me wife me: Why?