@KenJennings: Dance like no one is threatening to call the police if you don't take your boombox and leave the Christian Science Reading Room immediately.
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@Mikecanrant: Make sure that nobody ever invades your personal space by constantly hula hooping wherever you go.
@david8hughes: [first day as homicide detective] Cop: any signs of forced entry? Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
@notacroc: PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
@Book_Krazy: [Gym] Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake! Me: "Jake?" *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*