Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
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it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
That 👊
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.