“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
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PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
Before crowbars crows drank alone
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.