A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
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DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
I’d use my best pan on you.
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*