If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
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“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy