Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
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Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.