@KalvinMacleod: ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
@HlaoRoo: NRA member: I've got guns. I'm in charge.
Me: That's nice. I've got bubonic plague - "cough, cough" - now you do, too.
I win.
@shutupmikeginn: I have sloth-like reflexes
"Don't you mean catlike reflexes?"
[several hours later]
No
@juliussharpe: A new study shows dogs recognize pictures of their owners. Also, they're like, "Why are you showing me photos? I'm a dog."
@IamEnidColeslaw: sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
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