@KalvinMacleod: ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe *sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can* ALIEN: or not

@HlaoRoo: NRA member: I've got guns. I'm in charge. Me: That's nice. I've got bubonic plague - "cough, cough" - now you do, too. I win.

@shutupmikeginn: I have sloth-like reflexes "Don't you mean catlike reflexes?" [several hours later]   No

@juliussharpe: A new study shows dogs recognize pictures of their owners. Also, they're like, "Why are you showing me photos? I'm a dog."

@IamEnidColeslaw: sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck