@beisswrandon: Maybe Jesus went black, and that's why he isn't coming back.

@JB4Realz: [PHONE] "TSA, How can I help you?" Me: "Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!" Agent: "Umm..." Me: "DAMMIT, HE'S STARVING!"

@trojansauce: origin stories: spiderman: bitten by spider green hornet: bitten by green hornet gambit: bitten by a gam magneto: bitten by magnetic toe

@Mindless4Miles: [orders pizza] Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce? Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.

@1Bad_Scientist: Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.