Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
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[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.