Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
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Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.