Dance like you’re not the father
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I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
They also CAN sing✌️
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
honestly, i need both:
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
My dream job is getting paid to dream
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
ugh not again
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”